Bad Gas

This morning while working out, 20-minutes into my cardio, sweating like a pig and my heart pumping at 146 BPM, my attention unknowingly drifted from CNN to bad gas; no not the kind of bad gas you would expect this mess of a mixed bag to write about but gas of a different kind.

Have you ever gotten bad gas at a service station? I have and it seems I always do when I need a full tank. I'm not the patient kind so despite my better judgment to suffer through the poor performance until the tank is empty and start fresh and clean, I tend to top off the partial tank of bad gas with good gas after all-half good gas is better than all bad gas-right? This got me thinking about what makes me tick and what kind of man I am. Granted we can be our own worst critic and maybe that's OK sometimes.

I'm a mixed bag as I said. No doubt about it. There are things about me I would like to change and there are things I'm waiting on God to change IN me. Admittedly I've backslid a bit from where I was a couple of years ago and that's bothersome to me. My faith hasn't faltered but my behavior has a bit. Man do I feel naked right now. Admitting this I feel like I'm standing in front of all of you and publicly pulling my pants down.

I know there are issues with me that need attention. I've tried several times topping off my spiritual tank but all that does is leave me spiritually diluted at best. Can you identify with this? Do you also go through stages when you try to change things by simply topping off your tank and yet know deep down what you need to do is completely empty the tank of the things unpleasing to God and fill up with premium? For a long time I've let this be the reason for not "stepping it up" or answering a call. I struggle to answer because of my flaws realizing there are others more spiritually fit for certain tasks than me. I understand though-that God doesn't call perfect people to serve-I get that. If Peter isn't a good example of that then I don't know who is. God knows my heart. Yes I'm going to make Him cringe from time to time with my actions for sure. What I need to do is discern the things of the heart from those that are not, the good from the bad, the wholesome from unwholesome and begin to just tidy things up. Then maybe I can cease being my own worst enemy and begin to answer the call I've been letting go in one ear and out the other.

RESOLVE WHAT?

I’ve been thinking a lot about resolutions. In particular I think about our annual ritual of welcoming a new year with a personal sacrifice of some sort. Isn’t it something…this New Year’s resolution (NYR) thing? I mean-shouldn’t the act of a New Year’s resolution be renamed “Procrastinator’s Resolution” or “I Need a lame Excuse Resolution” or something similarly appropriate? I have often wondered why the “Great American Smoke Out” was not positioned in the first week of January. Who wants to attempt to quit smoking if it's not part of a New Year’s resolution anyway? It’s an attempt doomed to fail because of that. It’s funny how some people feel relief that they never “officially” declared anything as part of their NYR; “off the hook”. I think there would be a greater amount of success if people just did away with this whole NYR kind of thinking and just did things because it is the right thing at the right time at whatever time it happens to be. I think if a person needs the silly hand-holding contentment of a NYR in order to commit to something they have already failed before they even start because the motive is all screwed up. One other observation-why is it acceptable that facing our addictions can wait until it is NYR time yet our attitudes or other behavior are expected to be corrected at any time of the year? I think we need to get out of this ridiculous habit of falling into a trap of failure set up as part of this New Years resolution nonsense. If you think about it-the whole notion of a New Year’s resolution is right on the order of child’s play and perhaps if we want success in changing some things that we find undesirable in ourselves we should just grow up and deal with our issues like adults and leave the New Years resolution baby-games to children.

READY TO ROLL

For the past several weeks I’ve been contemplating where my fitness-quest was going to lead. The prospect of doing a few 5K’s and a half-marathon in 2010 was really exciting to me especially since I haven’t done any running seriously since my high school cross country days; Jimmy Carter was president at the time. I’ve really been preparing to accept the consequences of taking up running; the consequences that my doctor said would befall a 50 year old man-that is until I came to my senses. I really don’t think my knees can handle the impact of running or anything connected upward from there. You know the tune, the knee bone’s connected to the hip bone, the hip bone’s connected to the back bone and so forth. The thing is, my joints are in fine working order and I'd like to keep it that way so I've switched gears a tad. Anyway, I have this beauty of a bike picked out and I’ll be visiting The Bike Rack in St. Charles real soon. I’m looking forward to frequent rides to town and back, winding my way around Lake Holiday, hitting nearby back roads to who-knows-where as well as 18 miles of Lakeshore drive in Chicago and even a century ride. It’s interesting how my little fitness-quest has evolved into something door-opening and eye-opening. The bike is just the tip of the iceberg because as with any sport, you must accessorize and gadgetize (sorry honey). This includes but is not limited to a tight-fitting pair of padded-crotch biking shorts and that there my friends is my motivation to hit the workouts extra hard in the months leading to the spring riding season. Bring it on!

My 2009 Story

My pastor invited the church to reflect and tell their story for 2009; share what God has done in our life through the past year. Here's mine:

As many of you know I committed to changing my physical lifestyle. The process of getting fit began in late June. I finally decided to change the way I eat and get off my butt and exercise at least 30 minutes every day. I really don't care to get into details of my fitness routine or what I eat. What I want to share is the role God played in getting this ball rolling and how He helps me through it every day.

Every morning I get on the elliptical machine for 30 minutes. That may not seem like much but there are mornings that I would rather not get on the thing. Just the same I force myself to. The interesting thing is that like many people, I too need a distraction like watching the news or something while working out. It makes the 30-minutes go by faster. Interestingly what I often do is drift into meditation spiritually and before I realize it I'm communicating with God. I often use that time for prayer as well, sometimes drifting into prayer without even knowing it. I know-it sounds crazy but it is what it is. What's interesting is that my time grueling it out passes in rather large chunks when I'm reflecting on the matters of God or talking to Him. I'm convinced His hand is in this and I choose to believe He makes my challenge less effort.

I committed from the start to do this thing with God's help alone. People often ask me why I don't join a health club or join Weight Watchers? Those are both great options but for me...no. It was my choice to do this with God's help. I've said it before and I'll say it again that God is not my last resort but my "First-Responder." I asked myself "what would my faith be if I can't trust God to see me through?" I was asked similarly why, a few years back I didn't use a patch or take pills or get hypnotized to rid myself of nicotine addiction? The same thing here-what would it say about my faith if I didn't trust God to see me through it?

My story for 2009 and what God did is summed up in that He revealed to me that I can trust Him with everything. That sounds odd doesn't it? How can Jeff, a believer, ever NOT trust God? The only way I can answer that is to put the question back the other direction and then you might understand. Let's say you have this huge problem. For the sake of argument lets say it is an addiction. Instead of making excuses about why you shouldnt deal with it once and for all, why not call on God to help you and see you through it? Do you TRUELY believe He can see you through it? Do you trust Him with the big stuff? Do you fear He will let you down? Do you fear that if He can't help you with that, He can't help you with anything? Aahh its not so easy is it...to give that to God because its a biggie isnt it? For some time I struggled pulling the trigger myself on some things and calling on God-why? Was it because I was afraid I would fail and let Him down? Not for me. I was afraid to call on Him because if I failed, I feared what that would reveal about my faith or my trust in Him. For me it wasn't easy to ask Him for things because I more often than not-didn't feel worthy to ask Him for anything. What I believe these days though is that whether it's spending 30-minutes with Him on the elliptical or walking with Him in the woods "don't fear" are the words I hear the most so if He says "step out of the boat" and I'm surrounded by water...well then I step out. How about you?

Gone But Not Forgotten

One week has passed since returning from our Oregon vacation. Life as usual has taken new root as it usually does while still needing attention in clearing the usual weeds. Getting readjusted to "life as usual" after vacationing is never an easy thing for me. I suppose I'm no different than most in that our vacations tend to be what we wish our everyday life would be and that is what makes returning to reality difficult. I often think how fortunate people are to live in a state surrounded by the splendor of God's creation and wish I lived there too. I usually brush off any thought of relocating and starting over-perhaps making a living doing something else on the basis that it's a wild absurd idea. The idea just seems impossible until I realize that if it was impossible-how do all these people manage that are already there? Hmmm.... It's always been my style that when I know I should do something and lack the courage to do it, that I intentionally put my own back against the wall. By doing this I've always been left with only one choice; to get out of that circumstance one way or another. Things worth thinking about.

Sunsets and Sky

In less than three weeks, Kristi and I are going to experience some "firsts" together. Kristi is going to meet my brother's wife for the first time, she is going to see a mountain for the first time, she is going to see the ocean for the first time, she is going to walk a sandy ocean beach for the first time, she is going to fly with me for the first time, we are going to take a vacation together that is longer than three days for the first time. There will be several more firsts on our Oregon trip I'm sure and that is what makes this trip and my life with her so special-that we still have so many more "firsts" to experience together. Sunsets and sky...sitting on a sandy beach with her watching the moonlight dance on the water. Wherever she is-that's what I call home.

What's Under The lid

Camping has given Kristi and I a lot of opportunity to do some serious "backing-off" and "backing away"; not from each other but from the daily grind. When you take time away from the business of every day life you can reflect a little and "soul search". Where am I, where have I been lately and more importantly, what course am I on? I've kind of lost my way a little bit over the last year and a half. Little by little I find I'm being put back on the path I once was and it feels great. I'm not going to go into much detail other than to share a little revelation; sometimes revelations come from places you least expect them. It is no surprise to me why Jesus often got His point across with parables. I've learned there are parables all around me and maybe these are little gifts from God; and who better than the One that knows me best to put one in front of me just when my eyes need to be opened. Here's one from last weekend:

Last weekend, Kristi and I (for the first time) did some serious cooking in the dutch oven, in the fire pit. The first thing we cooked was a pineapple upside down cake. The significance of this choice was not that we thought it would be easy to do or satisfy some need to over indulge on sugar; no-it was the challenge that drew us. It's one thing to follow the instructions on a box and put the pan in an oven set 350 degrees for 30 minutes-it's another to put the batter in a dutch oven with 10 charcoal briquettes underneath and 14 on the lid and have faith that 30 minutes later you will have something that remotely resembles something edible. For 30 minutes we waited, wondering what was under the lid. We wondered "what will it look like"? I even thought I might have to get the dutch oven sandblasted when I get home. All kinds of thoughts went through my mind. "What's under the lid" I kept thinking. Patience? I'm not a very patient man and I wanted so bad to lift the lid just to check progress. I decided instead to have faith and trust the recipe and the person that wrote it. I decided to avoid the temptation to test this theory by popping the lid. If I pop the lid, all the heat would escape and change the results. I decided to leave the lid alone...oh I tested the progress though-I touched the lid with my finger to see if it was hot! Duh! Long-story-short Kristi got some salve for my finger. I knew the lid would be hot but tested it anyway, and got burned. Meanwhile Kristi looks at me and says "well yaaah...what did you think would happen"? 30 minutes had elapsed. The wait was over! I didn't lift the lid...until the end. I slowly lift the lid, expecting to see at least some compromised result. As I removed the lid Kristi and I just looked at each other and grinned. I was amazed and surprised! Kristi I don't think was as surprised as I was. Her faith in me surpasses my faith in myself. The cake was absolutely beautiful. Wait! This is an upside down cake! The real proof lies at the bottom. This is where the fruit is and the sugar! It is also closest to the heat and if anything got burned it would be the underside-the side with the fruit. I flipped the dutch oven over, down fell the cake onto the plate and what appeared before our eyes was a near perfect cake. The pineapple rings, sugar and cherries were as they should be. In the end we ate some, we shared some and perhaps most of all-we learned something. Interestingly Kristi and I both had the same revelation from this little experiment. The message here is to "trust" and "have faith"..."believe". Life puts circumstances in our path that tempt us to drift and even become skeptical. How often God challenges us to test Him and to trust Him yet sometimes we doubt this or doubt that; we drift a little and test the flames and yes-of course we get burned. The lesson learned on this camping trip was to fight the good fight the best I can. I'm not perfect and like the cake cooked in the dutch oven, I'm a little lopsided and that's OK. The key is patience. Trust God and keep the faith. God has promised me an outcome I can believe in and trust. He has prepared a perfect recipe for my life. I have no reason to doubt what is under the lid. When the time comes, God is going to lift it before my eyes, look at me and say "see Jeff, it's everything I promised it would be-isn't it?"